Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
