I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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