hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
