She announced her abortion via fbk
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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