Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
