drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
