There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
