you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
