If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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