it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
