so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I could fuck to npr.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
