my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
God I need to hump something, right now.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
