The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
