About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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