She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
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