Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
