Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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