ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
he just fucked me for my cheese.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
