how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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