I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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