I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
