The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
