my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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