Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
