i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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