Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
