WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
