Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
