Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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