that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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