Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Sorry about my life...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
