I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
