no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
