life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
