It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
