after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
