Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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