WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
