I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
