I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
