I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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