that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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