At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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