I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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