I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
