Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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