Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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