I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
