she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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