I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
